While it is normal for toddlers to throw tantrums, it is also essential for them to learn ways to manage their anger, fear, and anxiety during this stage of their life. In cases where children don’t learn these things at a young age, their tantrums can develop into behaviors much worse than just screaming and throwing things. If left unchecked, a child’s inability to manage their anger could escalate to instances of serious violence (towards themselves or others) in their adolescence and adulthood.

Why do kids get angry?

Between the ages of 1 and 3, it is entirely expected for a child to throw tantrums. The reasons for these blow-ups may seem trivial to an adult, but to a toddler who can’t express themselves it might feel like the end of the world.

Tantrums may involve incessant screaming, throwing or breaking things, crying, or hitting themselves or others. These outbursts of emotion happen because at such a young age, children have not yet learned how to express their feelings in a conducive way. They are usually unable to articulate how they feel in words and won’t be able to apply rational thought to a situation. Toddlers simply lack the tools to understand their emotions and therefore, they may not react in a positive or productive way.

What can parents do to help?

The first step to managing anger is to label what we are feeling. If we can put a name to the negative feeling, we can then work on understanding what has caused that feeling. Teach your child about the physical symptoms of each feeling, like how anxiety can make your hands clammy or excitement can make your stomach flip. Give them examples of situations where they could experience these emotions. The goal is to encourage open conversation about feelings so your child knows they don’t need to act out with negative behaviors.

Children can sometimes act aggressively when they are embarrassed or upset – these outbursts and behaviors are not exclusively due to anger. Anger is an easier emotion to physically express, whereas feelings like embarrassment or shame are more difficult. This is why it’s essential to know what has made your child feel a certain way. Things are usually not as simple as just something making you angry.

Parents are models for their child. When something makes you angry your behavior likely provides an example for your child to follow. This is why it’s vital to set a good example. When you get angry, talk about your feelings and what has caused them (in simple terms). In cases where you raise your voice or are visibly overemotional, apologize to your child for doing so and explain why reacting in such a way is sometimes inappropriate. 

Depending on the expectations of you and your family, you may already have rules surrounding anger and what behaviors are acceptable. It is important to be very clear about what these rules are. Some families are fine with raised voices but will not tolerate throwing things. Figure out what is right for your family. It’s just as important to have consequences when rules are inevitably broken. There should be a reward for when your child has expressed themselves and their feelings clearly or positively, and negative consequences for when they have thrown a tantrum or had an outburst of some sort.

If your child is exhibiting aggressive behaviors and they are past the usual age where this is common, you may want to consult a professional to assure that your child is not suffering from any mental health issues. A professional could also create a plan for your child to manage their anger more effectively.